Poetry
"The Simple Truth"
I screamed at you and said I hated you
I shouted words of profanity that I’ve never said before
My mind, my heart was a cauldron of seething repugnance
Of pain I could not contain anymore
Sour graping became my defense mechanism
Thinking that admitting the truth is a sign of weakness
But the more I suppress it
The more I become weak–for I lie to myself and to everyone else
I tried to instill in my head that maybe I was merely in love
With the idea of being in love–but if I was
Why couldn’t I take in just one of those who desired me?
I’ve come to know that I desire to resurrect the dead past
After all this time, I’m now so enervated of being indignant about you
It has sucked all the energy in me–it has made me so weak
Now I’m sitting here, bereft of strength
Bleeding, but not confused about how I feel
I realized why I was enshrouded by that cloak of anger
Why I detested you so much I could no longer see the goodness in you
Why I evolved into someone who exuded so much malevolence
I don’t want to be a hypocrite and lie–I still love you despite of it all–that’s the truth
***
I love and truly appreciate any literary work…the above work I posted was written by a friend (btw, I secured her permission to post it here…and don’t sue more for stealing intellectual properties)…it’s kinda simple (yeah, that’s why it’s called The Simple Truth…hehehe), but it manifests a lot of emotions…admitting that she’s still hooked to whoever she was referring to is not actually a weakness…rather, I think it shows the strength of her character…she’s not afraid to tell the truth and express how she really feels…that she’s still hurting, but she knows deep inside her heart that she still wants to keep this feeling in her heart alive…for some unknown reason yet to be revealed. Ok, I’m just making things up.
Sometimes, admitting the truth is all you need to emancipate yourself from incarceration. 
The wrestling sham
Yes, I used to be so hooked on that wrestling stuff before, thanks to my Mom, my older sisters and my bro. I even had a huge crush on Shawn Michael (eew). I remember back then…I couldn’t wait to get home after school to watch Vader’s fight with Bret Hart…to see the family drama between Bret Hart and his brother Owen and their alleged bro-in-law, the British Bulldog (don’t know if any of those crap was real), or the hot, succulent NITRO girls dancing with their lovely humps and lumps. I even loved Yokozuna! Hahaha!
So what brought this topic up? Well, days before a friend of mine texted me and said he’s watching that WWE thingy at the Araneta Coliseum. He’s so into it that he cursed all the coup plotters, the crazy, got-nothing-better-to-do-than-cause-havoc people who caused much chaos for the past few days–which could have prevented the show from being pushed through. Good thing for him, it was staged…the fake freak show was staged. Hehehe.
Just made me think of my childhood days…cheering for Shawn Michael with my Mom! Hahaha! But I lost interest in it when I learned it was all crap…fake. Everything was scripted. Eew.
Oh well. That’s how things are.
A deranged retard’s prayer
Ya Allah,
Please make people understand what I’m going through right now. I know that they’re thinking that I’m doing something deviant…but God, You are Omnipotent and Omnipresent…you are watcing over me every second of my life. You know what I’m going through, I’m doing things so as to please people, who, I think, will never be proud of me no matter what I do. Please God, make them understand…I’m not only doing this for myself or for them…You are the paramount reason why I’m striving to do my best.
God, I’m so tired and drained. I don’t want to make them see anymore for they do not want to listen and understand. Please, be the one to show them the truth.
Ameen.
Be careful what you wish for
You might just get it. Well, in my case, I got more than what I asked for.
After the mentally, physically debilitating thesis-making process, I really wanted to have at least one day-off…just to bum around…no worries, no deadlines to beat, no adrenaline rush, none of that. I had too much of those.
I got what I wished for last week Wednesday when my groupmates and I decided to take a break and do the revisions later. Well, it was one day of just bumming around! I shifted to my couch potato personage, read some books that I was supposed to read eons ago, ate and slept a lot. Hehehe.
I went to school the following day. I was getting myself ready for the another series of no-sleep, no-eating-only-coffee days when some crazy, psychopath people went to the streets to unseat the poor, little GMA (literally). Some lunatic, schizophrenc, megalomaniac people from the military and legislators joined the freak show, which aggravated things and so little GMA had to declare that the country is in a state of national emergency.
I’m really fed-up with all these political bickering, coup plots, street rallies that yeild no postitive results. It doesn’t do anything good for the general welfare of the people. People now are so selfish…they only seek to promote their own personal interest.
Back to where I left off….where was I? Oh, yeah…so classes were suspended. I had to bum around for almost a week. My head is really aching now, I think I’ll barf my own spleen!
February 19, 2006: The most unforgettable of them all…
Feb 19
I woke up at 630AM (just 3 hours of sleep…when I’m doing a major thing the following day, I usually don’t sleep. My brain works better when I lack sleep, really. Guess I’m just really weird.). When I opened my eyes, I was trying to recall the dream that I had…it took some time before I could remember the details…then it all came back to me.
I was in this, huge, elegant, luxurious, beautiful house with expensive-looking, antique furnitures. I went to the living room…and I saw Doc Ped (our beloved professor who passed away last year, July 27). He was in his coffin…and then I started to cry. Then out of nowhere, he passed in front of me. He was in an all-white attire. He gave me a big smile…then he carried me on his back…
That’s when I woke up. It felt so…not eerie but weird. I tried to figure out what that dream could mean…
So I got out of bed and prayed. I played basketball for 15 minutes…then took a shower and prepared myself for the big "IT"…yes, the final round of our thesis (well, not actually the final round coz we still need to make some minor revisions before we could finally submit it).
Our defense was at 1PM, but my groupmates and I went to school early (8AM) so we could still brainstorm and practice. Four hours passed and before we knew it, we found ourselves before the panelists.
Tofer presented the title; Sy took care of presenting the parts of the study to be tackled in the presentation; I handled the presentation of the conceptual framework, statement of the problems and the findings; and Pau presented the conclusions and recommendations. Then came grilling time.
We kinda did well during the cross examination. It was just so arduous to squeeze your brain and answer the panelists’ questions…my brain needs some vacation for some time…hehehe.
Then they asked us to step outside for a while.
While we were out of the room, I told myself, "Oh no, we’re not gonna realize our dream of getting flat 1 for this…I think we’ll get 1.25." I resigned myself to that. I was all ready to take the blow.
The panelists called us in again…it’s judgement time.
Sir Mortel (the chairperson of the panel and the chiarperson of the department of pol sci) began by saying:
"We had a hard time deciding. We read your thesis and it’s good. We thought it’s the best thesis…but as you presented today, it clouded our assumption that it could be the best thesis…"
We were all silent, our eyes on the floor.
"We’re so sad to give you this…you received a grade of…………………………………………………….FLAT ONE!!!"
I just couldn’t control myself…I cried so hard…when I looked at Sy and Pau, they were also crying! Hahaha! They came to us and congratulated us. Hehehe. God, it felt like being in American Idol or something! It just felt so good I don’t want this day to pass…I’m actually wearing my "defense attire" until now…hehehe.
SIGH. I just felt so completely overwhelmed…all the pain, the anguish…everything was worth it! It all paid off! The times I’d cry in the taxi, the jeepney, in Tofer’s apartment…the times that I was so depressed, but still had to work (that’s the hardest thing for anyone to do…the cruelest thing that anyone could put you through…you’re emotionally disturbed by some problems and you still have to take care of something that’s very, very, very important…God it’s hell)…all the "suspicions" I was getting from my parents when I’d get home late (they’re assuming that I’m partying the night away! Hehehe)…the physical exhaustion I experienced during the actual field work in Escopa I and especially in Philam…it took us 11 days to finish the survey in Philam…the mental exhaustion when analyzing and interpreting data…the stupid problems that we encountered which barred us from submitting our work on time…every kind of pain I went through…WE went through was all worth it…that’s why I couldn’t help myself but cry in front of the panelists! Hahaha!
What more, our professors said that our work is like a master’s thesis…one commented that if it were made broader, i.e., if the study was conducted on a municipality, it would be a master’s thesis!!! It’s so overwhelming, heartwarming…it’s very fulfilling…the hardwork, the effort, the hardship…sleepless nights…being berated by my parents…hunting down our statistician…the times when we’d laugh and cry at the same time…it’s really all worth it…it all paid off.
Oh yeah! We even almost got killed! No, not exactly. I’m just exaggerating. One time, we left Tofer’s apartment already late coz we tried so hard to finish everything so we could submit on time…on our way to the street where we’re supposed to take our ride home, we encoutered a couple who told us that there was some shooting incident taking place…so we had to go another way to avoid being in the middle of that shooting…I heard a sound of explosion…I thought it was the sound of a gun being shot…and I screamed like a mentally-challenged patient in the middle of the street…people just gave me a blank stare, thinking "What the f***** is wrong with her?" We just laughed it off. Thank God we got home safely. I don’t know if it’s true that there was some shooting thingy.
Last year, I posted here that our aim is to get a flat one grade in our thesis…and I am so thankful to Allah and to every person whon He used as intrument for us to finish the study…with flying colors!!! Hehehe.
Forgive me, but I would like to make a thank you speech.
Sir Reynold Agnes, we got the best thesis adviser! Thank you for guiding us from the very beginning…from the title formulation til the very end. Thank you too for the "Valentine story" (he related to us the love story of him and his wife in one of our consultation sessions…hehehe)…thank you for being so patient and understanding. Thank you too for warning us about the "mumu"! Hehe!
Doc Ped, maybe my dream was a good sign. Thank you for imparting your vast knowledge with us. We miss you. We dedicate our work to you.
Of course, to my thesis mates. I wouldn’t be able to do it without you guys. Thank you.
To everyone who helped us…especially the group of Jan, Tere and Chillon. If you didn’t let us use your PC for the SPSS, I’m sure we’d be retaking research subject this coming school year. Thank you guys!
To my Mama and Fafa…even if you berate me…that actually pushed me to strive harder and do better…because I wanted to prove to you that I was doing everything for our thesis and not partying the night away. Hehehe. Thank you.
Of course, to Allah. If you didn’t allow this to happen, none of it will happen. Alhamdullillah, Ya Rub for permitting this to happen. Alhamdullillah!
OK, this is getting too long. Sorry, I just can’t contain my happiness…hehehe. I’m just so grateful. I think I’d be blabbing about this forever that you’d get sick of me doing so.
Oh, by the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY! This is my bday gift to you!!! I love you!!!
February 18, 2006: Unforgettable
Feb 18
It’s the day after the concert. My thesis mates and I were supposed to meet at 8AM, but I got home so late that I wasn’t able to sleep and wake up early. It’s such a shame on me coz I was the one who set up the time. And I was the one who didn’t comply. Hehehe.
So I left home and went to my thesis mate’s apartment in Espana. On my way there, I texted them (Pau, Sy and Tofer)apologizing for my being late. Then Pau replied and said (all caps!):
ANO PA BA ANG MAGAGAWA NAMIN? ISANG ARAW NA LANG AT DEFENSE NA. SANA NAMAN MATULOG KA NG MAAGA…
I was so shocked…it hit me so hard. It was actually really long and it manifested her intense anger. Good thing I was able to control myself and replied: "Hey, what’s wrong with you? Do we have to arrive to this point? I’m trying to apologize here, OK?"
She didn’t reply.
So I just started crying in the cab. The driver asked if everything was alright. I just nodded. Then I SMSd her back and said, "Do you guys want us to be like this til tomorrow? I’m not gonna go there if that’s what you want. Do you still want to settle this?"
Then Sy texted and said, "Hey, you come here. They’re just kidding."
Crazy guys. Paula texted me that she was just kidding. She connived with Tofer to send that message to me. They’re really bad I wasted my tears again. 
When I got to the apartment, they were laughing at me. I sat down and cried. They told me not to. I told them that I just didn’t want that to happen to us. They were like, "You’re so ma-drama ha!" Hehehe. Good thing they were just pulling my leg.
So we discussed things then met up with our adviser at Philcoa. He just gave us some guidelines, tips, what and what not to do during the defense…he asked us some questions that the panel members might ask us. Fortunately, we were able to answer them.
Then we went to the mall to do the thing I hate the most: SHOPPING!!! ARRGHH!!! I have strong abomination for shopping. Isn’t it weird that a girl like me hates shopping?! What’s more bizzare is the fact that Pau and Sy hate shopping too!!! Hahaha! We were really meant to be groupmates. But we had to go coz we had to buy the attire we’d wear for the defense.
So we went around the mall…we couldn’t find any decent-looking attire appropriate for thesis defense. We walked for like 2 hours…my feet got blisters already. I was so tired…I just wanted to drop to the floor and sleep. After 86 years, we were able to find one.
So we went back to the apartment and listed down the things we needed for the following day. We discussed a bit and then headed home.
When I arrived home, I didn’t sleep. I made myself a big cup of coffee, took my copy of our thesis, studied listed possible questions that might be asked and formulated answers for them. I took the visual aids, stood in front of the mirror and pretended I was before the panel members…at the end of my "practice", I sat down, sighed and told myself, "You look stupid." Hehehe. I went to bed at 330 AM and dreamt the rest of the night away…
February 17, 2006: Unforgettable
Feb 17.
It’s the farewell party for the graduating students of FEU. The school organized a concert, which was held at the grandstand. They invited Mojofly to play. And…well, I was asked to be one of the front acts. Hehehe.
It was great. It was a big success. I enjoyed every part of the performance. The crowd was great. And of course, I enjoyed watching Mojofly perform. Lugee (the vocalist…I don’t know if I spelled her name right) is actually pretty. I like her.
Good thing I didn’t screw up. Hehehe. My dream to perform at the FEU Grandstand was realized. Hay…it was really an overwhelming experience. Any singer/artist/musician would love to perform there…it’s really vast you can go around and have fun while performing…it’s in the open, everyone inside the premises of the university could see you…it’s just beautiful. I hope that when I come back to sing there, I wouldn’t be performing as a "home grown" talent but a paid professional artist. Hehehe. Yeah right. I’m just dreaming.
I’ll never forget that night.
Leaving Yesterday Behind…
"I really don’t understand what’s happening. I want to live in ‘today’ and ‘tomorrow’, but there’s always something that pulls a huge part of me to live in the ‘yesterday’. Two days ago, I tried to discard all that has been. I prayed as tears rolled down my face. I asked God to give me I sign if I should still keep the past alive…goosebumps came all over my skin…for He gave me excatly what I asked for.
I am confused and I don’t know why He seems to be telling me not to leave the past behind. As much as I want to burn everything that consists the past, He seems to be stopping me everytime.
If this is indeed His will, then I’ll entrust everything to Him and exude a little more patience. Confused no more, I will be…because I’m opening up my heart to Him and let Him take care of things my imperfect, human brain cannot understand. I’ll just sit down and see what happens. One day, I know He’ll show my why."
–Irene Dan, "Leaving Yesterday Behind"
Just when I thought it’s over…
Damn it. Something came up again. Thesis problem. Don’t wanna talk about it. I’m just so pissed off. Ugh!
My cognitive abilities cannot comprehend, no matter how hard I try, why things are turning this way. We faced a lot of difficulties…so much shit before we could pass our work. And now this thing. I just hope things go smoothly.
The lost soul in my thesismate’s house must be playing games on us…
Oh, well. C’est la vie!
***
I’m happy.
Speak your mind…
I hate fickle-minded people. Period.
