Lessons in life from the Quintessential Scholar
THE QUINTESSENTIAL SCHOLAR
That’s the new appellation which my favorite professor baptized me with–the Quintessential Scholar. It sounds grand, sure. But it’s actually a euphemistic way of saying "You’re a total nerd." He said it himself. Hahaha. It’s alright. It’s true anyway. 
Law school has officially started. Some of our professors have already started the traditional way of learning (or torturing?) for law students–recitation. I’ve recited in some of my subjects…and guess what? I was a mess! Hahaha! Anyway, I’m just starting off. I’ll make up for it. The same thing happened last sem. My first recitations were "fatal". There was even this one subject in which I screamed at the professor (and threw my notes at him at that!) coz he shouted at me. Hehehe. That’s truly unforgettable–who among those who had witnessed it would? My classmates thought that I was going to break down into tears. But I instead ended up almost rolling on the floor, laughing like bananas. Hahaha. Well, seriously I surely am gonna do my best to outdo my performance last semester. I may be dragging a heavy load in the course of this journey…but it won’t slow me down…and definitely it won’t stop me. I’m doing this for my dear Mom and Dad…and yes, I’m willing to go through it all for them…so at one point in their lives, they’d be able to see that the efforts they’ve invested in their children are all worth it. Inshaallah.
GETTING BY
Trying to understand things that are not susceptible to being understood is one of the most difficult–if not the "most of the mosts"–tasks I have to undertake in this life. It usually happens when I’m confronted with problems I never thought would come my way. I’ve gone through so much in this life already…I’m just twenty-one but…I guess I’ve encountered more serious, mind-boggling problems which have always attempted to take my sanity away than some 40-something people out there (maybe that explains why I’m a bit out-of-my-lucid-interval at times). Because I’ve seen so much of the ugly side of life, I’ve built a protective shield that has made me semi-immune from problems. I say "semi-immune" because I can’t be completely apathetic about them…of course, I still get affected but not as much as I used to. I’ve developed so many mantras just to keep me going and the one I’ve found most effective in shooing away the negative vibes of problems is this: GOD ALLOWS BAD THINGS TO HAPPEN IN OUR LIVES NOT TO PUNISH US BUT FOR SOME (yet to be known) GOOD REASON. It’s true. Since the day I started believing in that firmly, I’ve been able to breeze through worldly challenges…we may not understand why certain things happen in our lives at the very moement we’re facing them…but certainly God will allow the reasons to unfold before our very eyes at some later time…and that’s when we understand and go, "Oh, so that’s why I had to go through that shit!" So the next time you trip and fall in a dark abyss (and I address this to myself as well), remember that everything happens for, not just a reason, but for a good reason. And oh, don’t forget to pray too.
A Bad Week, la la la la…
This week started off really, really bad for me. It was greeted by some fortuitous events that have seemed to continue to this day. It all started last Sunday when some adults trapped in children’s bodies put on a great show–of drama and action. And then there’s my Dad who’s not doing so well (I’m praying that he’ll be OK.) It all piled up. Sometimes I think, "OK, you can do this. You can face this. You can breeze through this. You’re strong." And there are times that I find myself drowning in a pool of depression.
These past few days, it seems that these problems have taken over me. I don’t have have much strength anymore to overcome them. At some point…I’ve given in.
No matter how hard I try to concentrate on my studies, my mind still flies away and goes places. I can’t control my head. I worry. I fret. I brood. I get really depressed about the whole situation I’m in. And I can’t keep my focus.
Yesterday I had my class in constitutional law. I was asked to recite. I wasn’t doing so well. I disappointed the class, myself and my professor. He asked, "What’s happening to you? You’re supposed to be improving, not deteriorating!" I came up with some excuses but he wouldn’t buy them. I didn’t want to speak the truth because I know that once I talk about it, my tears would automatically fall. I would have no control of them. And so he asked me to explain why I was not "exuding the confidence I had last semester". I had no choice but to say it–not to save myself from anything but to let them know that I’m not irresponisible as far as my studies are concerned. It’s just that there are some things that happen which I can’t seem to stop from affecting me.
"Sir, I have this problem. It’s personal"
"Well, you don’t have a boyfriend."
"Sir, it’s my Dad."
"He’s sick?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Where is he? Saudi?"
I nodded. An image of my Dad just flashed before me. At that point I couldn’t say anything. I just broke down into tears–to everyone’s surprise. It was a bit embarrassing. But I couldn’t help it. Ugh.
I’d like to thank the 1-C peeps who’ve shown much concern. I really appreciate it. I’m just so overwhelmed. I’ve been telling this to them a lot of times–that I’m so lucky to be in that section. I love you guys!
I just pray that Allah will let me get through this one. I pray for my Dad’s health and recovery. I pray for His Guidance…and to give me enough strength.
I have to get "back into shape". I have to focus. I have to do better than I did last semester. My very close friend is right…my Dad won’t be happy to know that I’m losing it all because of the situation; that I’m affected…that I’m deteriorating with regard to my studies. And I’ll take my professor’s advice: DON’T LOSE YOUR CONCENTRATION.
I’ll start all over again. Just give me the last two days of this week to grieve and release all the emotions trapped inside of me.
