Heureux!
It’s French for happy!
Lately, things have been shitty, messy and whatnot. But amidst all the shit, something good happened and I am extremely happy about it!
The guy I’ve been eyeing for a long time now finally asked for my number! Yes–my PIN number because he wants my money! Well, I’m just trying to look at the bright side of things here. At least he wants something from me. KIDDING. (If it happens for real, such guy would find the pointy heels of my shoes in his loins before he can utter another word.)
I am happy because I had a great recitation in my major subject. This is not for bragging purposes or anything but…yeah, it makes me happy and it somehow revitalized me. I think I’m winning myself back. I wasn’t able to answer every question correctly–I made some funny blunders (like when I was asked if the trade name "Baguio Oil" could be patented. I was like, "Ma’am, there’s such product in the market, right?" Haha!) every now and then but I am pleased with how I performed. I stood for 2 hours. My legs hurt thereafter but I sat down smiling.
But I do not attribute everything to myself. Everything that transpired that day was because of Him, the Almighty Allah up there. It was all His will that allowed those things to happen. I may study all night and all day, master the subject and all but if He doesn’t allow good things to come my way, then His will shall prevail. Thus, I attribute everything to Him and I thank Him for all the blessings He has been giving me throughout my existence on Earth. Thank You, ya Allah, Thank You. Masha’allah. Alhamdullillah. You are the Driver of every journey I undertake in this life. 
God, let my heart beat for the right person and the right people.
Sometimes, I find myself thinking–Why do I still care about people who can’t show the same concern for me? Why do I still give a damn about people who only think of themselves and thus blind to what I’m (or what others are, for that matter) going through? How could I have FORGIVEN someone and coferred forgiveness unilaterally when that person has not done his/her part and doesn’t even show any appreciation for it?! I am not complaining about the forgiving part…because I forgive people sincerely, without thinking of anything in return. What I’m pissed off about is that these forgiven people are no different from habitual delinquents or recidivists–criminals who keep repeating the felonies (or commit felonies other than what they have previously committed) they have already been punished and forgiven for.
I’m seriously reconsidering about retracting what I have given out of sincerity. If the President of the country can withdraw the pardon he/she has conferred to criminals for violating a condition attached to said pardon, I don’t see any reason that would bar me from doing the same.
I am very, very pissed off…especially now that I’m emotionally volatile.
Ya Allah. LET MY HEART BEAT FOR THE RIGHT PERSON AND THE RIGHT PEOPLE.
My life is all yours.
I surrender my life to you, Ya Allah. I am now going to take the passenger’s seat and allow You to drive.
Shukran, ya Allah.
This may be too late and this might be the reason for my loss: I never learned to thank Allah for all the blessings He gave me. I never did sincerely thank Him and showed genuine appreciation. And so He took them away from me. And yes, I now see their unfathomable value. It is just now that i realized their import in my life. I feel like 3/4 of who I am has been taken away.
Like I said, this might be too late; nevertheless, I would still like to thank Allah for everything that He has given me, both blessings and blessings in disguise.
Shukran, ya Allah. I have learned my lesson well. From now on, I will be Your one truly grateful servant. 
At times like this…
The opening of this school year hasn’t been a good one for me. I thought that it would signal a new beginning, an avenue for me to start anew, leave the mess of the past, move on and regain who I really am. But no…it wasn’t what I planned and thought it should be.
It’s really a mess, honest. Somehow, the shadows of the past have extended to today. I can’t seem to find the old me. I’m so lost to the point that I have somehow lost confidence in myself.
I don’t know…perhaps, I’m tired of being the BEST. I’m perhaps tired of being looked up to, I’m tired of living up to the expectations of people, strangers or otherwise, I’m tired of dealing with the pressure both from school and at home and I’m tired of being expected to be almost perfect all the time. I guess I got burned out by all that crap.
What’s making things worse is people start judging me. If only I could shout to them, "HEY! COULD YOU PLEASE GIVE ME SOME TIME TO FIND MYSELF, RECUPERATE AND JUST LET ME BE HUMAN EVEN FOR A WHILE?"
There is both an advantage and disadvantage of being the best all the time. The disadvantage, however, is heavier. Sometimes I wish I were just normal, average because when one is perceived as "extraordinary", it’s a henious crime to be who you are–a human being.
*SIGH*
But for as long as my dream to become a lawyer is alive and kicking, I won’t give up. I can’t see myself doing anything else in the next 10 years…I only see myself wearing a black robe and a white wig with a gavel in my hand! Just kidding. Kidding aside, I have learned to love the LAW so much that whatever torture I go through, I’ll still stick around. My relationship with the law is somewhat analogous to a "martyr" lover who stays even if she is emotionally and physically battered.
I’ll just keep on doing what I am supposed to do and pray for Allah’s Guidance. I pray that He give me the strength to face all the tribulations that arise out of my being a law student and Inshaallah, a future lawyer.
I won’t give up for as long as it will be in conformity with Allah’s will. Man plans all that he wants to do in life but the realization of all those is still dependent on Allah’s will and it is His will which shall prevail at all times.
Perhaps, all these hardships are just part and parcel of the journey. I know that Allah will not allow them to happen unless He has a reason. I trust and have faith in His wisdom for His wisdom is beyond any man’s ken. Perhaps, He just wants to mold my character for the coming episodes of this life. But whatever reason He may have for allowing these things to happen, I will not complain. I’ll just pray that He give me the wisdom to understand them, He give me the strength to withstand them and that He guide me along the way.
Ya Allah, in You I trust and in You I rely on for everthing. You’re all that I have at times like this.
Black, Dark Friday.
I used to not believe in Friday the 13th. I’m not usually superstitious; I would like to think that I’m logical, rational and I only accept explanations based on scientific findings.
But today overturned all that crap. Now I am inclined to believe that Friday the 13th is not just some superstitious belief. It has some truth in it…because today is totally a fucked up day. Don’t even get me started. I might jump off the UST main buildingg should I be reminded.
F*cked up day.
What wonder, the weather is in perfect harmony with my life right now–RAINY!!!
Today is one of those days in which you wish you could be anywhere but in this cruel, wicked place called world. My eyes and the gloomy, morose sky met at a certain point and became one when they both deluged. But the difference is that the downpour coming from my eyes was prompted by grief, frustration and disappointment.
There’s a part of me that’s broken and it needs real, quick fixing before it’s too late. (The thing is, I didn’t pay much attention to it and just pretended that it’s OK…when really, it was not. And now this is what’s happening to me *sniff*) I want to redeem my old self back, be the person who strives for excellence and not mediocrity. I want to be that person everyone respects because of her hardwork. The person that I am now is definitely not me. I need to get my old self back because that’s the real me.
Cleaning up the mess.
My friend was asking me yesterday if it’s easy to tell when I’m troubled or have problems. Hmm…No, I’m good at hiding how I really feel. I don’t want to show others that I’m weak especially when I have to be strong for them. I don’t want them to worry about me.
You might see me as if there’s nothing bothering me. But that’s what you see because that’s what I’m trying to project. Nobody knows the burden I’m bearing.
I’m quite messed up right now. There are so many things that need fixing. I have to clean them up because I don’t want to keep dragging them with me in the future. I cannot stumble over and over again and give the same excuses as I have before. I have to get over them. I badly need to change.
One of the aspects of my life that need some "repairs" is my relationship with the Supreme Being. For years I tried to establish a stable relationship with Him but I think I allow my human flaws to bar me from doing so. But I know deep within that if I get to have that sincere, continuous relationship with Allah, everything would be alright (despite the problems that come every now and then). I am constantly praying that He guide me, that He allow me to find my way to Him and that He open my heart to sincerely doing what is incumbent upon me as a Muslim. I know that it’s the only way to keep me sane in this crazy, wicked world of ours. So I need to get there. Perhaps when I finally reach that point, I can move on to the next phase and start cleaning up the rest of the mess.
Guide me, Ya Allah. Ameen.
Trapped in endless black darkness…
It was 7:30 PM. My friend and I went to the Tan Yan Kee building (which she has conveniently renamed as Teehankee building. It’s a manifestation of her legal illness. [Claudio Teehankee was a former Supreme Court Justice]) where our Law Review office is temporarily located (yes, we’re squatters and I think anytime soon, we’ll receive an ejectment case against us). The security guards at the ground floor told us that the building had already closedand that they were not allowing anyone up beyond that time. We told him that we would just place some things in the office (we worked on the bulletin board) and get our things so we could go home. We also assured him that "next time, this won’t happen again." But he kept on repeating what he said, that the building had already closed…it’s as if he was trying to slap on our faces that we’re at fault, that we should get down on our knees and apologize. I got so pissed off because we already told him that it wouldn’t happen again and yet he still withheld the key from us! This prompted me to switch to my mataray mode and said, "We’ll just get our things upstairs so we can GET OUR MONEY BECAUSE WE CAN’T GO HOME WITHOUT OUR MONEY!!!" "That’s the correct answer!" he said in a sarcastic way (in the vernacular). I tried to stay calm and just dismissed him, telling myself, "Don’t stoop to the level of this uncivilized, uneducated, lowly scum!"
And so my friend and I went up to the third floor. When the elevator door opened, we were shocked to find ourselves in total black darkness!!! We were screaming, scared to death that we might see something that should not be there in the first place! So we took out our phones to allow us to see where we’re heading. Now, what’s funny is that a friend of my friend (the one I’m with) texted her something eerie! "How timely it is for her to text you something like that!" I said.
We got our things hurriedly and left the building in the same manner. PHEW.
I’m not really scared of the dark but there’s just something in that place that made me feel…uncomfortable, like someone is watching me. I’ll never go there alone.
