What’s up with me? I’m in complete chaos.
I’ve been very busy. That’s what’s been happening to me. *sigh*
Just had our prelim exams approximately two weeks ago. And boy did it drain me! As if that’s not enough, some crazy things happened thereafter. My two best friends, Paula and Lynette, know. Hehe.
And because of that, I got sick. I don’t really know what my illness was but I had fever, severe headache and muscle pain. The doctor who initially examined me concluded that it could possibly be dengue (because according to my CBC test, my blood platelet was normal-low). After a few days, I was well again. I don’t know, I’m a complete mess right now. 
After getting sick, I had to help with the publication of this year’s issue of the Law Review. We’re having some problems (we’re quite delayed in publishing so we’re all worried) and it’s quite affecting me. *sigh* and I’m so enervated and drained beyond what’s imaginable that I have no more energy for my studies. I’m so lazy and irresponsible and feeling that way makes everything worse! ARGH!
But at least someone is making me smile. 
Oh yes, I want this semester to be over without any casualties.
Dreams.
I want to be a diplomat and travel a lot. I miss going abroad, meeting different people, learning new culture and language. I LOVE TRAVELLING. That’s what I want to do after I become a successful lawyer, Inshallah. Ameen! 
Throwing away trashes: The Beginning.
This morning, I started throwing trashes away. I started off with my room. I picked up the small litters one by one…and each time I pick one in my hand, there’s that nagging thought telling me, "NO! Don’t throw that! It has some sentimental value to you!" But I fought off that little voice and placed each object I had no more use of in the garbage bin. Yes, they may have sentimental value to me. At one point, they made me smile, made me happy, made me feel so delighted that I could fly, if not for the concrete ceiling above me. But there comes a time when you just have to discard things…because life’s order is put that way. Nothing stays forever. Everything comes and goes. And they must go because they cause you nothing but to feel negativities.
It felt great to see my room trash-free. I felt this sense of calmness, tranquility…this sense of order in my life. I actually felt happy.
And I’m going to do the same with some things in my life. These trashes don’t only refer to inanimate objects.
The other kind of trash I’m going to work on throwing away is my bad habits. I think I’ve spoken about them a lot already. Hehe.
The other one is the people who cause me nothing but pain and misery. I mean…why do I allow them to do this to me? Why do I allow them to stay in my life when all they give me are thousand reasons to cry? They are like the objects which I threw this morning that once made me happy. But now, it’s a different story. They only make my life hellish.
I’ve actually done it before. There was this one b*atch who pretended to be my BFF (eew) but was so insecure with me that she did everything to ruin my life! She apologized after each count of felony (wow, the beauty of legalism) and I forgave her every time she did. But she kept on repeating the same thing again and that’s when I decided to flush her down the john! She attempted many times to reconcile with me but I refused. NO WAY.
I have to do the same thing with the other trash-people in my life right now. And I’m actually getting there…I started detaching myself from them, emotionally especially. And now I think I can go on without them reeking in my life.
Best of luck to me! I hope this year will be the one in which I’ll be able to improve myself a lot!
Bagong taon. Bagong Tao. Hopefully.
Change. Everybody says that if there’s one thing constant in this world, it’s change. But if there’s any truth to such supposition, then why is it so difficult to realize resolutions or promises of changing ourselves for the better every entry of the new year?
I myself am a victim of making too many resolutions and corresponding failures at realizing them. The only resolution I was able to fulfill was last year’s: that I wasn’t going to make any new year’s resolutions at all!
I don’t make out-of-this-world resolutions. As much as possible, I keep them at the "reality" level. Yet, I’ve never seen myself incorporate any of those promises in my life. Well, two years ago, I made a resolution and said that I would grow a blond hair and make my eyes blue–NATURALLY. I still don’t understand why it was so difficult realizing them.
OK, kidding aside. I was talking to my lil’ sis last night, telling her the things I want to change in myself. Oh yes, there are a lot of them! Not that I’m not happy with who I am or what I am. I certainly am comfortable in my own skin. But there are just so many things about me that I want to change…because they are detrimental to me. So here they are (don’t worry, they’re not morally shocking or scandalous. Save those gasps for some other entry. Hehe.)
1.) THE PROBLEM: I am COMPLACENT. Yes, I admit it to the whole world. Actually, I have been saying this for a long time now and I haven’t done anything about it. Ugh, gosh it’s a bad habit that won’t just die. GRRR.
I think I’m just used to getting things without working so hard for them. Hey, I’m not proud of it, OK? GRRR. I mean, yeah, I do something about the things that I achieve but I guess not as hard as everybody else. GRRR. But my complacency is not equivalent to arrogance. No. I know how to keep my feet on the ground (only Allah has the right to stay above us all!). It’s just that most of the time, I don’t exert more effort to achieve something thinking that I would get them anyway. And then I end up disappointed, berating myself, thinking "I could have done better".
THE REALISTIC REMEDY: I think I have to do away with the mindset that "I can do it without flexing a muscle". I have to tell myself over and over again that if I want something, I have to work hard for it. You see, I’m like a rich, spoiled brat kid. I was so used to having luxurious things and everything I wished for fall from the sky and land onto my lap. And things have changed and I’m suddenly thrown into a world where you can’t eat without sweating and bleeding for you to obtain food. And I’m finding it hard to adjust because I’m used to the easy life! I guess I have to tell myself that I’m now in a jungle, with competition ubiquitous and I can’t survive if I don’t get up and stop wishing for things to fall in front of me! I HAVE TO WORK HARD FOR THINGS…NOW!
2.) THE PROBLEM: This is correlated to the first problem. I am lazy, at times. Well, maybe most of the time! Haha!
THE REALISTIC REMEDY: ibid.(see how lazy I am? :D)
3.) THE PROBLEM: I am the greatest PROCRASTINATOR you’ll ever meet in your entire life! And I believe it is also a relative of the above-mentioned two problems. Hay, I’ve been wanting to get rid of this old habit too for good. I hope I’ll be able to finally throw it out of my life.
THE REALISTIC REMEDY: I have to double up my efforts. There’s no time for me to waste! I must make use of it wisely and make sure I devote it to doing productive things! I won’t survive in the jungle if I keep this kind of attitude! I will DIE!
4.) THE PROBLEM: Now this one is not as bad as the three problems afore-cited. I am too…tolerant and forgiving. I am too kind and I don’t mean to say that to praise myself. Yes, it’s good to be nice but not all the time. People can abuse you…most of the time. And I hate it!
THE REALISTIC REMEDY: I have to be more assertive. I have to think of myself sometimes. I guess people abuse me at times because they mistake my tolerance or kindness for cowardice. I guess I have to learn to say NO when I want to or when I have to. I have to think about others’ feelings less this time. But of course, I’m not gonna turn myself into an egomaniac monster! I just have to learn how to balance things. I have to learn when or when not to say no or to be concerned about other people’s feelings.
So far, these are the 4 serious matters that I want to change about me. I’ll pray about them and do my part to change myself for the better. May Allah help me in so doing. Ameen.
Happy New Year, everybody!
