I need to escape to breathe and think.
Before this semester started, I was telling my friends that I was very positive about this semester–that things would be better than the first one. Yes, we may have "terror" professors and difficult subjects, I said, but I’m taking it as a challenge. I am already excited for this semester to start!
Ah, yes. That was the time when I was so full of positive vibe, excited as I was to take on the challenge and start anew [the two previous semesters hadn't been that good :(]. Ah yes, that was then.
Presently?
I AM DRAINED LIKE HELL.
I don’t know where to start or how to even begin.
Maybe I can start ranting about our schedule.
Well, whoever made it should…not die but receive twice the degree of torture that I’m going through because of it. I know, I have been cantankerous about this from the very beginning but I just can’t help it. It is really illogical and arbitrary to put 4 major subjects in ONE DAY (consecutively, no break!) under very strict professors!!! I start studying Saturday for all of them…and by Monday morning, I would be very, very depressed because I couldn’t finish studying for all of them. (I believe psychiatrists can now rightfully declare me as suffering from Major Manic Depression.) In connection with this matter, I hope the incoming officers of the Civil Law Student Council can raise this issue with the Office of the Dean and ask the latter not to give the students such kind of schedule as much as possible. I mean, yes, it is a given that law school is difficult, but such difficulty should not be compounded by giving the students such debilitating schedule! For what good will the students get out of it when they cannot focus on all subjects conglomerated in one day?!
Top that off with the fact that the place where I live in is 2 hours away from my school! Aside from the fact that traveling to and from school everyday takes 4 precious hours from me (which I could devote to studying if the circumstances were otherwise), it physically DRAINS me. I usually get home at 11 PM or 12 AM…and by that time, I’m already sleepy. When either the mind or the body is deprived of strength, it is almost impossible for one to read the voluminous readings that the study of law entails. Let’s just put it that way to save you from further ranting and raving.
I guess those are the only extra-Nesrin things that make things difficult for me this semester. As for the other complications, I believe I am wholly responsible for them.
I am as lost as the characters of the TV series Lost are lost. Did I get you lost there?
You see…every beginning of the semester, I tell myself, "This is an opportunity for you to start anew and regain what you have lost." I always tell myself that I have to excel in my studies the way I did during my entire "academic" life. And every time I don’t get to perform the way I set or expect myself to, I get VERY, VERY, VERY DISAPPOINTED. I feel very inadequate, even moronic. Seriously. Some people who know me very well tell me I’m stupid for thinking that I’m stupid! (Haha!) I feel everything is due to my fault (which I still believe is true) and that I’m very irresponsible. And because of this disappointment, I don’t work as hard anymore. I get this mindset that I shouldn’t work any harder because I won’t be able to achieve my goal, anyway. I know, I know it’s such a bad way to look at things but I can’t help it. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m not usually like this–negative thinker. I’d always been an optimist. But the problems I’ve been going through for so long (not just my "law school" problems) got the best of me, I guess. I feel so burned out, drained, desiccated beyond what’s imaginable. I AM SO TIRED.
You know what I want to do right now? I want to…
ESCAPE.
RUN AWAY.
I want to take a train that would take me as far away as it can from where I am now (I’m not just referring to my physical location). I want to escape from what I am going through. I want to go to a secluded area, perhaps stay in a small cottage situated in the middle of a thick, dark forest where no one can find me (except the one who built the cottage, of course. Haha! Silly me.)…and there, I would take some time off to think about so many things that are clashing and colliding in my head right now. I want to reflect on things and assess if I’m taking the right direction. I want to assess if this is what I really want for myself (although right now, I still am determined to become a lawyer…it’s just that the things that have been happening to me haven’t been so good…and they contribute a lot to my being discouraged at this moment). I want to clear my mind, reinvigorate myself, regain my old optimistic self, as opposed to the pessimistic Queen that I have metamorphosed into. I JUST WANT TO TAKE SOME TIME TO BREATHE!
But everything is so fast-paced…there’s too much pressure that I can’t do all those that I feel like I need to do to restore the positive energy in me. If I do, I would not be able to cope up later on. That would be a bigger, even worse disaster.
What I really feel like right now is that I’m swimming in a huge water-filled tube and I’m only given three seconds to breathe every 12 hours! That may sound hyperbolic for anyone who’s not in my shoes…but that’s the best way I can paint a picture of what I am going through right now.
I don’t really know what to do…and I really don’t know where to turn to. I’ve tried, for the past year, to resolve this issue in my life but nothing proved to be helpful in any way.
I am lost. I have lost confidence in myself. I have lost faith in me. And I don’t know where or whom to turn to. It’s pretty funny and ironic because I’m such a good adviser when it comes to other people’s problems. But when it comes to my own problems, I can’t even convince and make me believe in myself.
I don’t know what to do anymore…as time goes on, things turn into a cobweb of confusion and complications and I get trapped in it…Oh God, I do need to escape.
