Hey y’all!
Oh my, I haven’t posted something sensible here for a long time! Now that it’s bumming time for me, I’m gonna write a very long entry.
HELLO GUYS! Wow, I’ve missed you all!
So how are you all doing? How’s summer going so far?
Me? Uhmmm…nothing much. But I surely am enjoying the break from school. God knows how much I’ve been wanting to have this all throughout the semester. Ironically though, I kinda miss school. Yes, I miss school. But yeah, I shall live in the present.
What’s up, what’s up with me? My parents are arriving on Tuesday! Yehey! I’m excited to see them and my lil’-bro-no-more Papa! He’s grown so tall! And to complete his manly look, he’s grown some mustache on his once sweet, cherubic face. Awww. And that reminds me. I’m getting older. Ugh.
Oh, and I’ve watched a lot of movies! I watched all the movies I missed last year! Hehe. I love doing movie marathons! 
And what else…oh, I’ve read a lot of recent cases…well, if that counts.
So there…so far that’s how my summer has been going. I’m planning to visit my non-law school friends next week. And I’m thinking of getting a summer job. I’ll keep you posted.
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I hope and pray that Dean Benipayo gets well soon.
I hope and pray that my 3rd year in law school will be a lot better than the last one. Ameen.
Yes, I shall be.
"I wanna be a supah-lawyer.
I’m gonna be a supah-lawyer."
(sung in the tune of Jill Sobule’s "Supermodel").
Letting go…Loosening up…and Lifting it all up to Him…
It’s 2 in the morning and I’m still up, preparing–if you can call it that–for my finals tomorrow. I’m not so happy with what I’ve done this weekend. I feel like I wasted all the time that I had. Oh well. I always do.
I have become dangerously irresponsible and lazy. Oh God, what has the world done to me?
But when I reflect upon it, I know it’s not just sheer laziness or irresponsibility. I know there’s a root from which this lack of motivation springs. *sigh* Yes, there must be because I’ve been feeling this way for so long now. Just when I think that I’ve gotten over it, it consumes me all over again, anew. And I lose the fragments of faith I have in me that I have somehow regained after pondering for a while. I die all over again.
I’m so tired of feeling this way…feeling inadequate, feeling irresponsible, even stupid. I have to break away from this. I just don’t know how. I have tried a lot of times…I guess it’s more powerful than I think I am. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t push myself any harder to be like what I was before. Fear cannot even force me to do things the way I should be doing them.
I feel like some kind of a machine that needs to be lubricated to function effectively…and I’ve ran out of lubrication and have to struggle just to go on. That’s the best analogical picture I can give.
I am tired. And my exhaustion is eating me up. I hope the "fuel" I still have left will last enough to get me to where I must be.
People say maybe I just need to take a break. Maybe I do. But I hope that when I do get to take some rest, I’ll be fully recharged to face another phase of this journey.
Or maybe I need to take things easy. Maybe at this point in my life, Allah wants to teach me how to loosen up, let go a little, stop trying to be in control all the time and stop being a perfectionist. Or maybe He’s trying to teach me how to entrust things to Him, that I’m not the only one who can chart the direction to which this journey is going. Maybe He’s trying to make me taste the "average" life because all my life, I’d been, modesty aside, on top. Maybe He’s giving me all this at this stage of my life because He’s molding me to be stronger…because He has big tasks for me to handle in the future which entail a strong, almost invincible character.
I don’t know. But I’m sure He has His own reasons for making me go through this.
I guess it’s time that I reconnect with Him. Because of what I’ve been going through lately, I’ve somehow become scared to turn to Him, to trust Him, to pray to Him. I feel like if I ask Him to help me, I wouldn’t be able to do my part…and I feel like I don’t deserve to be listened to by Him if I can’t fulfill my part.
It’s time to restore my faith in Him (not that I have become an atheist). I just feel so small to turn to Him for help. I feel like I’m too irresponsible and I don’t have the face to show up to him and ask for help. I know, it’s a very wrong mindset. Forgive me, ya Allah.
I entrust everything to You, ya Allah. I will let You chart the direction to which my life will be going from this moment on. I will let You control every aspect of my life. I will trust Your plans for me. I know you know what’s best for me. I will accept whatever it is that You give me because I know you give them to me for my betterment. I will trust Your decisions for me. You are now the Driver of my life. I relinquish all control to You, ya Allah. Guide me well. Enlighten me. Give me the strength to out back order into my life. Give me the courage, motivation and self-discipline to get through this. Inspire me to do my part, to do what I have to do. And give me the strength to believe in myself…one more time. Ameen.
Ems
Finals! Will be out here for some time.
The Longest Saturday
Friday evening. I got home, exhausted. What’s new about that?
I told my friend I wouldn’t be sleeping because I would be reciting the following day in Credit Transactions under Atty. Carla Sena, one of the "terror" professors in the faculty. (I idolize her! Haha! :D)
I read through the notes, the cases and everything that I thought might be asked until my eyeballs felt like they were going to pop out of their sockets any time. It was 4 AM. So I took an hour of sleep–on my study table (no, I didn’t lay down on it. Haha! I just rested my head on it, using my arm as a "pillow" for my forehead. [is there any simpler way to illustrate in words what I'm trying to say here?]).
I woke up an hour later. I looked in the small mirror I had on the table and saw my forehead turn abnormally red. I read more until 7 when I decided to get myself ready for school.
I finally arrived in school just minutes before 10 AM. I put down my things on my chair, went out of the class and yes, read some more. Hehe.
As I expected, I recited when Atty. Sena arrived…for 2 hours! But I made it through…though my knees were painfully stiff after! I couldn’t even take a step without having to say "ouch"!
But that’s not the end of the story. We had another make-up class, 12-2PM. And another one at 2-4PM. By the time we were having the latter class, I was already…DRY. And SLEEPY. STARVING. I wanted to just sleep.
Our last class was at 5-6 PM. We only had a 30-minute break. So we ran to Wendy’s to grab something to eat.
After our last class, my friends and I went straight to my BFF’s place for her birthday party! It was fun! It was a mini-reunion with college friends! 
It was worth going there…even after having classes for 8 hours…STRAIGHT! ACK!
