Please, show me the right way, I pray.
Ya Allah. To this day, I still don’t know why I feel this way.
Maybe you’re so tired of hearing me whine like this all the time. But I can’t help it. To this day, it’s still here, bothering me…making my life miserable.
I’m talking about law school. No, it’s not law school that’s bothering me per se. I don’t know…it’s just that there are so many days that I feel so bored and uninterested to study. Most of the time, I just sleep it off. And at the end of the day, I’d be depressed till I fall asleep and wake up again. Why? Because I feel so bad, so guilty for being so lazy and irresponsible. But God, I can’t find any motivation to work as hard as I did before. High grades? Not so much. My preliminary exam grades have been OK so far (I don’t mean to brag) but I still don’t find “inspiration” in them. Oh God, I am in my third year now. Please help me go through this. I have to finish this. I can’t quit now. It’s too late. I’m almost at the finish line and I can’t turn back. I can’t.
There are several times that I contemplated about quitting…because law school doesn’t make me THAT happy anymore. But then when I seriously think about it, I end up telling myself, “No. I really want to stay.”
And then it makes me wonder: Am I reluctant to leave because I really want to stay or am I just afraid of the uncertainty that will arise thereafter? I mean, what if I quit…what does the world outside of law school has to offer to me? What will I do? Will I be able to find a job that will make me happy? And what exactly will make me happy and interested and invigorated to keep living life with enthusiasm?
I always tell a friend that I’m the type of person who can’t live a routinary life. I need to do something that will allow me to do new, exciting and different things everyday. I want to meet people and learn about new cultures. I want to travel a lot! (And the only thing that comes close to that, I think, is foreign service. And I think it’s easier to get into it if you’re a lawyer. Haha.)
So then…am I just afraid of the uncertainty out there? Am I just afraid that I would regret my decision to leave law school? Will my heart be tainted with envy when I see my batch mates have the appellation “Atty.” before their names? Will I be telling myself “I should have, I could have, I would have” a lot after quitting? Maybe. I don’t know. It’s just so confusing…and depressing at the same time when you’re not sure anymore about what you want to do in life. What if I end up to be a bum after I quit? Good Lord, no!
Ya Allah…please, I’m surrendering my life to You. Please…please…please…show me the right way. Until now, I can’t seem to find it. Please…if You know that this is what’s best for me, that this is what will ultimately make me happy…please, make me pour all my heart and soul into it. If there’s something else out there for me, please guide me to it before it’s too late. Ameen.
