Before I go to bed and dream…
It’s 5:20 in the morning and I’ve been sitting in front of this laptop for more than twelve hours. No, I’m not wasting away time on online video games or other unproductive activity. I’m writing an article for the law review.
I’m pretty happy with what I’ve accomplished today. I’m hoping to finish everything by January 3 (deadline is on the 5th). And oh, the mid-term exams will start on January 12. Talk about pressure. (I don’t wanna think about it. Otherwise, I’d suffer another anxiety attack and be stagnated by the so-called writer’s block. Not now that I have to beat a deadline.)
BTW, I am so dark now, thanks to my imprudent decision to go swimming in two days during midday. (But I can’t resist the inviting sight of the crystal-clear, blue [pool] water. I’m hydrolyphic and I believe that my old self was a mermaid. Haha. Nonsense.) I hope I get my light skin color back SOON. I don’t look good in tan at all. I look like a glazed, oily, roasted meat or something.
. . . . . . . . . . .
Tomorrow commences the new year…and that makes me feel like writing about my thoughts on the year 2008.
I think this year has been really gruelingly challenging and I dare categorize that in the superlative. I got hospitalized twice (and until now, my doctors do not have a concrete diagnosis as to whatever is causing madness in my body that made me faint twice). School has not spared me too from suffering. It’s been a difficult school year (although it does not end until March next year) not really because the subjects or the professors are THAT difficult to handle, but mostly because of me and my personal circumstances. I don’t want to elaborate right now. It’d only make you crazy like me. Some personal relationships were tested too and I’m glad things have been settled now (although full recovery is still in the progress, hehe). What other miseries spiced up my life this year? Myriad and I don’t think I can list them down without getting all drama-queen-y. That’s the last thing I need. And perhaps, you too.
But I thank nature that one of the rules it has adopted is the principle of balance and equilibrium…because amidst all those miserable encounters in my daily life, I serendipitously found a treasure that helps me stay sane, move my lips to form a smile from time to time, laugh at myself for being so silly, and has taught me to understand the essence of happiness again.
Much of what transpired this year will greatly affect my 2009. So here’s to hoping that I learn to handle my melancholic encounters better and more prudently, and that the good things I stumbled upon will be carried on to my next year and the years beyond that.
Good morning, world. (And sweet dreams to me.)
ScarJo, puhleaze.
Stop scaring us with your “singing”. It’s horror unknown to human race. Just stick to acting as much as Madonna should stick to–not singing and performing–but to being a timeless slut. =)
The Inevitable Realities of Life
*SHATTERED GLASS*
When a glass breaks into pieces after a fall, it is almost a Herculian task to put them back together. Even if one succeeds in doing so by using superglue, the cracks would still be visible…they would always be there.
The same is true with relationships–any kind of social relationship. When a crack is caused on the fundamental foundation of any relationship, i.e., trust, no matter how slight, everything changes. You start to have doubts…you feel insecure…you think twice about giving 1000% of yourself…you don’t just believe what the other party says…you think a lot of times about trusting completely again. Even if you have forgiven the person’s act of breaching your trust and you convince yourself to put it into eternal oblivion, yet the crack would always be there, present and visible, to remind you.
*PEOPLE*
I am starting, not really to hate, but dislike people. I have now come to believe that people are the most dangerous creatures of the world.
People can hurt you, make you cry, sell you off for their own vested interests, break the trust you have given them, lie to you, defraud you, tarnish your reputation, talk bad about you, make you miserable, pull you down, irritate you, make you angry, humiliate you, embarrass you, and betray you. All these things, the creatures we usually fear–snakes, poisonous spiders, scorpions, lions, sharks, crocodiles, zombies or ghosts, if you believe in them–are not capable of doing. See?
My lifestory has taught me that, at the end of the day, all you have is yourself. I wish I can live somewhere I can be in peace and in total solitude.
I WANT TO BE ALONE.
*LIFE*
What if my life was a lot less complicated? Will I still be me? Is my complicated life really necessary for me to become me? Get my drift? I don’t.
*MARRIAGE*
Fixed marriage–BOO!
You never know what you got until it’s (almost) gone.
Mimi and Babi. I had them since 2003 when they were still babies. I love them so much. I always will. :)
Last night, I was with a friend when I received two text messages from my sisters. They said that one of our guinea pigs (Mimi and Babi) was accidentally strangled by the cloth which we give them for cover. I sent clarificatory messages. They confirmed that he was gone.
Needless to say, I was devastated. My mind kept telling me not to believe that he was gone. I didn’t want the thought of him dead to sink in. Minutes later, it finally did. I broke down and cried like there’s no tomorrow.
I hurriedly went home. I called up my sister Nellie to ask her what happened. It was my brother who answered. He told me that Mimi wasn’t dead. WHAT? I got confused so I called up my eldest sister. My other sister (sorry, I have lots of siblings. We’re ten. Don’t get confused) answered instead and related to me how he died.
The contradicting accounts somehow gave me hope that Mimi was still alive. I know that the accident was true but I wasn’t just sure about his demise. Maybe my sisters just wanted to play pranks on me, I thought. Nevertheless, I still felt really bad. I cried the whole time I was on my way home. I felt guilty for not taking care of them that much anymore. I felt guilty for not spending more time with them. I looked at his pictures in my phone and it made me cry even more. God, if he’s still alive, I promise I will take care of them better. I will buy them more food and toys. I will spend more time with them. Just please keep him alive, I prayed.
As I wasn’t sure if he really was gone, I asked for a sign to tell me if he was or not. A few seconds later, I saw a black car pass by–a car used for carrying coffins. He’s dead. This is for real.
When I arrived home, I saw that he wasn’t in their cage. My sister told me that they buried him already as he might just rot in the house. I took Babi with me and went to my room, crying. Minutes later, my sister came and told me that Nellie was going to tell me everything that happened (she was the one who saw the cloth around his neck). When she entered the room, she was carrying Mimi with him!!!
I couldn’t utter a word. I just took him and cried. Thank God he’s still alive.
I checked his “chin” and true enough, there’s a mark left by the strip of cloth. The skin on his “chin” was moved nearer his mouth so that he looked like he had double “chin”. He was hurt a lot. 
We’ve been hearing a lot about that almost cliche line “You never know what you got until it’s gone.” Yes, we hear it all the time and yet we don’t instill it in our minds. We still take things and important people in our lives for granted. They’ll always be there anyway, we think. We don’t tell them how much we love them. We don’t show them how much we appreciate them. We don’t show them how much we care for them and how important they are in our lives…until one day, they’re taken away from us. And that’s when we start doing all the things that we should have done when they were still with us. We’re lucky if we’re given a second chance to make up for our shortcomings…because most of the time, it’s way too late to do so.
Toilet, err, Twilight.
I saw the movie. It’s a huge disappointment. I thought it would be something worth seeing, given how almost everybody has been reacting to the movie (even before it was shown in theaters)–ubiquitous frenzy. I’m not sure though if such reaction was for the “greatness” of the storyline or Robert Pattinson or both. Whatever the subject is, I say it’s unwarranted. The plot is too shallow and Robert Pattinson didn’t make me drool (like I drooled over Rodrigo Santoro in Behind the Sun or Jude Law [when he still didn't have that receding hairline].)
It’s a good thing that I watched the movie with my BFF. Otherwise, I would have flushed everything down the loo. Haha.
Intolerably Cruel Conspiracy
Last night, I spent 7 hours studying for Special Proceedings under Dean Carlos Ortega. I was sure I was going to be called on so I did some intense preparation.
I slept at 4 AM. I got up at 7:40 AM, got ready and left at around 8:30. When I got at the terminal, I was choosing between taking the LRT and an FX that takes you straight to Manila from Taguig. I chose the former, thinking that it’s faster and I would be in school 20-30 minutes before my 10 AM class.
When I arrived at the LRT station, I was horrified to see how “kilometrically” long the queue was! I couldn’t afford to line up; I’d be able to reach the ticket booth in an hour.
I went around and looked for an alternative. I waited for a cab but all those that passed me were already occupied. I wasted almost about 30 minutes waiting. So I decided to just take the jeepney from Pasay to Dapitan. I had no choice. I took the risk…maybe I could still make it. It was 9:30 already.
I was so stressed out and depressed that I just slept while on the jeepney. When I finally got to school, it was already 10:45. *sigh* I decided to just go home.
I don’t know why these things are happening to me. I’ve been depressed for several years now…and just recently, I decided not to let it consume me anymore because I’m fucking tired of being sad and angry and agitated and anxious and pessimistic all the time. I tried fighting it. But every time I try, life seems to always have a way to piss me off, to make me miserable. I don’t know what this life wants from me. If I were to live this way, I’d rather be dead. There’s no point in being here anymore. The whole world is conspiring to make me drown in misery–that’s incredibly too strong of an opponent.
Hiatus
I’ll be gone for a while. I hope I’m a better–wiser, happier–person when I get back.
XOXO,
Kiki Dee
I MISS SINGING-PERFORMING. :(
Some weeks ago, I was on my way to the Espana gate of UST (to go home after class) when I passed by some event being held in front of the main building. A band was playing, with a girl as a lead singer. She was playing the guitar. She was OK. Not exceptional, just OK.
I stood there for a moment and watched them perform. And before I knew it, I was already thinking back to the days when my music/band life was so much, well, alive. I got all nostalgic. It was a great feeling to reminisce about the late-night gigs that we’d go to, the battle of the bands that we participated in (which we both won and lost…uhm, LOST most of the time! Haha!), the jam sessions and the reeking bodega where we would practice. At the same time, it was painful reliving those memories…painful because I almost know in my heart that I may never experience them again. SIGH.
I’d been through the ups and downs of performing (with a band). There were many gigs/performances/battle of the bands where we rocked out the crowd. And there were times too that we sucked (or the audience sucked). I remember this one time, we were invited to play for Rotary Club Manila. When we started playing, I noticed that the crowd (mostly teenagers and oldies) wasn’t really into it. For a performer, it’s distracting and discouraging to see the audience so stiff and giving you that come-on-get-the-fuck-off-that-stage-before-we-throw-rotten-tomatoes-at-you look. I started losing enthusiasm. But the professional performer that I am (yeah right), I told myself, “The show must go on”. I conveyed the same message to my band mates, whose facial expressions told me they would walk out any time in the middle of the song. My hopes for things to get better was trampled on when some of the stupid, insensitive teenage kids formed a huge group in front of us and started taking pictures of themselves!!! We were nowhere to be seen from the view point of the audience! I got so angry that I was almost shouting–instead of singing–the words of “Hotel California” and almost broke the strings of my guitar when I played the lead. ARGH. But it’s a good thing though that they paid a little attention when we played “My Immortal”. UGH.
After that performance, one of my band mates texted me and said it wasn’t worth playing for that event. I told him, “Things in this industry are really like that. You don’t get to do good shows all the time. It’s part of it, especially if you’re just starting out. You have to be patient if you want to stay.”
We didn’t stop playing after that. We kept going…until we had to split up bit by bit, not because of any musical disharmony (no, my band mates and I are one and the same when it comes to taste in music…we all have very versatile taste in music and extends to all genres), but because we have to take care of some priorities. On my part, I didn’t (and still don’t) have time to play because of my demanding schedule in law school. Our bassist is a soon-to-be medical doctor. Our guitarist is busy with his production and his new band (BOO!). And our drummer is busy with work.
Yeah, I do miss performing. My band and I got paid at times for gigs. But it wasn’t even about the money, really. There’s just something about being on that stage, singing, playing the guitar, moving around it barefoot (yeah, I do that) that’s just…addicting? I don’t even know how to describe the feeling. It’s like…total freedom–you go up that stage, lose yourself, sing your lungs out, forget about your problems, responsibilities, set aside the things that stress you out and bask in the glory of being the queen on that damn stage at that moment. I’m not even making any sense here. SIGH. I miss performing.
But it’s a good thing that I still get to sing in school activities every once in a while. Not bad eh?
It seems like no matter what I do, I will always go back to that one thing that gave me self-confidence (Yeah, I was a very shy, timid little girl back then that my teacher had to tell my Dad about how deer-like I was. But she noticed that when I sing or perform on stage, I wouldn’t be as shy. I was like a totally different person. Yeah, music/performing has changed me a lot for the better.), solace from the intolerable unkindness of the world and a good company when things get lonely–SINGING.
I have not only been a singer. I have always been a performer too ever since I was 8. And nothing can change that. Nothing.
One day, maybe after I become a lawyer, I will try to find that piece of me that I had to put aside to realize another great dream of mine. I have to…it is an integral part of me…I am incomplete without it…I AM NOT ME WITHOUT IT.
