Someone just called her evil.
“Ikaw ang isa sa pinakamasasamang tao na na-meet ko. Seriously.”
Those were his blunt words to her as they made their way to the school’s main building. It stabber her, bullseye to the heart like a cold scalpel. She didn’t know what to say or how to react. It was the first time someone told her that. And funnily, it came from someone she loved so much. No one has made her feel so bad about herself until he said those words… It could readily be seen from her face that she was hurt. Recognizing this, he immediately took his words back and said it was just a joke.
Despite his profuse denial, she knew that he meant it. She could tell from the tone of his voice, from the way he said it, from the expression of his face while he uttered those words. She may not know everything about him but she certainly has spent some considerable time with him to tell if and when he’s serious or just playing around.
She went to her room, still heavily upset. They bid each other goodbye very blandly.
She couldn’t contain the pain those words left her so she decided to confront him about it. She went to the study area where he stayed. Once she spotted him, she sat beside him.
She asked for a pen and a piece of paper because she just couldn’t speak out what she wanted to tell him.
“Did you mean what you said a while ago?” she wrote.
“Of course not. I was just kidding,” he responded.
“Just leave me if you think I’m one of the worst persons you’ve ever met. I don’t deserve you, in that case.”
He hugged her and tried to assure her again that he was just joking around. She tried to look away and put herself out of the situation so she wouldn’t cry. But her eyes started to well-up with tears. She hurriedly went out because she didn’t want to cry and cause a scene inside the study area.
She sat by one of the huge windows and there she cried. He followed her and told her he was just kidding. But she knew in her heart that he meant what he said.
She left and went to her class…
Still bothered about what he’d told her, she asked one of her guy friends in class about the matter.
“What if your girlfriend tells you that you’re one of the worst or most evil persons she’s ever met?”
“Okay lang kasi totoo naman na masama ako. Bakit, sinabi ba yun sayo ng boyfriend mo?”
“Yes.”
“Sampalin ko yon eh! Iwan mo na nga yon! Kaya naman kitang tanggapin eh!”
“Pag ako ang babae at sinabihan ako ng ganon…”
She laughed.
After her class, she saw him and handed him a small note that says:
“Find someone else who will make you happy…someone you can accept wholly…someone whom you can really be happy with. I am undeserving of your time, effort, kindness and love. You deserve to be happy.”
He took the piece of paper from her hand and tore it. He hugged her and whispered, “Peace na tayo.”
Notwithstanding their reconciliation, she still felt pain every time those words of his play in her head. She may have been told bad things about herself before but not that she was “isa sa pinakamasasamang tao.” What made it worse was that it came from no less than someone whom she thought was the love of her life…
Looking forward to what’s ahead.
That time of the year is almost here again–summer vacay. I’m pretty excited not only because I’ll be able to REST and take long, long sleeps (hehe) and spend time with my family but I’ll be having my OJT, hopefully at the Office of the Solicitor General! I hope they accept me there. I’ve been looking forward to this since my freshman year in law school. I hope it’ll be as great of an experience as I’ve envisioned it in my head. 
But before I get there, I have to first hurdle the final exams. Huhu. =(
Things are looking bleak for me these days. But even so, I hope things will turn around when I take the bar exams and when I practice. Inshaallah, Ameen. =)
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“We fight almost all the time, mostly over petty things. And most of the time, I start it especially at times that I am emotionally volatile. (But there are times too that I’m justified in so doing.)
It’s becoming frequent now, these stupid fights over little things. I have now come to realize that I should suffer the blame.
I’m sorry for often displaying paroxysms of anger especially under circumstances when the same is unwarranted.
I’m sorry I easily get upset with you.
I’m sorry that I seem to have no control over the bad things I utter when I’m angry. They may be said out of rage but that does not justify their being uttered especially against you.
I’m sorry that my life sucks which makes me miserable and depressed all the time. I’m sorry for dragging you with me into my sadness whenever I share with you the things that bother me. I will try my best to keep my mouth shut next time.
I’m sorry that you have to go through a lot to be with me. I wish I weren’t in the situation that I am in now.
I’m sorry for breaking it off with you whenever I’m insanely enraged.
I’m sorry that I got upset with you that you chose to work elsewhere and not be with me. I know I should understand that you’re still a separate and distinct person and I can’t just drag you anywhere I want. I know I should still respect your individuality.
I’m sorry I get jealous easily. I’m just so used to having you for myself all the time.
I’m sorry for expecting too much from you. I know I should realize that you’re just a man and you can only do so much. You have done more than anyone could or would have for me. And I’m sorry for failing to acknowledge that most of the time.
I’m sorry for being
masungit to you most of the time.
I’m sorry for crying almost all the time.
I’m sorry for expecting you to put up with me all the time. I’m sorry for expecting that you would understand me always. I’m sorry for thinking that you’re that someone who could accept me for all and everything that I am. Again, I know I should recognize that you are just a man and you can only take so much.
I’m sorry for everything…for being who I am…for breaking your heart, for making you sad, for making you angry, for getting you pissed, for driving you crazy.
I know that after you have seen who I really am and after all these things happened, you could or would walk away anytime.
I know you are doubting us now. You once said I was the one and only one for you. But I know now that you’re taking that back.
I know you don’t want to marry me anymore. You told me your Christmas wish was to get engaged next year. I know that you now wish you hadn’t made that wish. Or that it doesn’t come true.
I know I’m not anymore the girl you want to see walking down the aisle. I know I’m not anymore the girl you want to wait for down the aisle.
I know I’m not anymore the one you want grow old with.
I know you’re now open to the idea that we may not end up with each other.
I know the vision you had of us with our future family is starting to become blurry.
I know you don’t want to take me to your home anymore.
I know you’re relieved and happy to be spending the weekend away from me.
I know you were much happier then with
her.
I know…and I can’t blame you. I can’t even take myself as I am so how can I expect someone else to?
I know. And you don’t have to deny it to assure me, to make me feel better because I know. And I’m so sorry.
Please always know that no matter what happens to us, I will always love you. You’ll always be the greatest love of my life. And I know I will never find anyone who’s willing to give up so much for me like you said you will…and I will never find anyone who will love me as much as you have.
I know. And I would be so sorry then.
Mahal na mahal na mahal kita. I hope and pray that we get through this. But if it’s our fate to go separate ways…then I’m the only one to blame.
I love you.”
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I lifted the above post from a good friend’s blog. After having read this entry, it made me wonder how two people can stay together for the rest of their lives. I know some people who’ve been together till their hair turned gray, such as my grandparents. My parents have been together for 36 years already (Mashaallah. May Allah keep them together for many more years!). But how did these people survive and manage to stay in the marriage? (I’m making marriage sound like a Herculean feat to mount. But it is, I guess.) Is the concept of soulmate really true, that God made someone for each one of us? Or is it because they worked together on the marriage, that is, they were more patient and understanding of each other and chose to stay when they could have called it a day?
I don’t know. It’s just quite puzzling. Whatever the reason is behind such long-lasting relationships, I guess credit has to be given to the hard work of both parties involved. If only they could teach the younger generation how they survived, I guess we wouldn’t be seeing high divorce rates in society, broken families and the ugly aftermath that follows.
Unappreciated.
Yes, throughout my life.
But how can I expect people to when God Himself does not?
I know I’ve done my best for people I care about. I’ve done what they asked me to…even tried to be somebody they asked me to. I even turned my back on things that would have made me happy because they told me that those things wouldn’t make me happy…and when I am happy, they can’t be for me. But when it’s their turn, they scream to the world how happy they are. And they want everyone to be happy for them.
I know I’ve always been there for people. God, I even went to the point of actually “taking over” their problems, even if it cost me. I tried to be the best person that I can be to them. But I’ve never received even a pat on the back, telling me that I was doing a good job.
Instead, THEY LEAVE. They leave me when I need them the most.
As for God…He knows that I’m doing the best that I can under my circumstances. I’m trying to make the most out of my difficult and miserable situation. I STRUGGLE EVERYDAY…and yet I don’t even get an iota of what I believe I deserve.
Maybe it’s God’s punishment…I’m a sinner, that’s why. Maybe it’s time to turn my back on worldly things and repent…and walk through the right path.
I don’t know. This is just so…confusing and depressing.
I WANT TO DIE NOW.
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LESSON LEARNED # 10
